I wonder...

I wonder, almost every time, where do I stand in life? What value I have in the lives of those around me? It's like those days again, no, I correct myself. It has always been that way. I always am a loner. Always. More than often I go unheard, not of my opinions or such but rather, what the inside of me really feels. I know I sound pathetic and stuff, but really. I more than often end up dining alone. I'm almost close to not having any friends or, maybe I do but unlike them, I just don't have a life at all. Some go abroad to feel the pinch, some loose things to feel it, me? I just have to be myself. Christmas is around the corner and... well, it's just Christmas.

I'm loud, noisy, cracking jokes all the time and I do my best to cheer people up but the cliche truth about all this is, I desperate need someone to look into my soul and tell me, I'm not alone. I go to the stupidest extent for people around me only because I don't want them being anywhere close to where I am but I also do it because I feel, completely, out-of-place. I feel like a shadow. I feel expendable.

I wish I was a happier person inside than being such a hollow individual. Hollow-fied.

Nothing.

Liar,
Unreliable,
Show off,
Brag pot,
Betrayer of trust,
Rude,
Arrogant,
Zero,
Snappy,
Upsetting,
Irresponsible,
Incapable of setting priorities,
Financial liability,
Clingy,
Possessive,
Ignorant to my self-conscious,
Cashless,
Angry,
Attitude problem,

and, Nothing. I am nothing. The truth is I really am nothing. I am very well aware of it. Strip me off everything I got and I am confident enough to say, I cannot give an answer like Iron Man.

Datuk Sam

     To the guy that has been my best friend since my childhood. The silent guy I have always known. I grew up with him and I was more fond of his silence than his ridiculously chatty mouth. It took years before I actually I begun to realize that, in fact, he has so much more bottled up inside than I thought I knew. His name, to me, Dato Sam a.k.a Jeevan s/o Kumberasamy.

     He hides his pain behind his silly actions. He cares without any in expectation. Extremely playful, yet, knows his responsibilities and carries them out without any complains. An individual that is so much more stronger than he thinks he is. He never loses composure no matter how tough life gets. He stands up and fights it like a real warrior and till now, despite being tired of everything, I still see him as a man that still fights. You, my friend, you are a warrior. You may not believe me but I have respect for you and I have always been fascinated at how you handle all those rubbish life had thrown against you. Placing myself in your shoe, I would never emerge a winner like you.

     Rejected numerous times and having people around you taking advantage over you, you still believe to choose to believe in humanity and stick to the value of being true friend. That shows the difference in life's ladder you have in comparison to all those morons. You take the weight of your family upon your shoulders and you never show it to the world. People may take you for granted but I can tell you this, God, is all knowing and He sees all your deed. All your pain, rejection and walk of shame will be turned around to make you one of the best individual the world has ever seen.

      Thank you for being my best friend and for constantly looking out for me. Thank you for all the times you forked out your cash and spending me for my medical bills, food, entertainment and even my other half. We both are truthfully grateful to have known you and to have you as a friend. I may not be able to give you anything in form of material but I can give you one thing. My prayers. I pray that you will succeed against all odds and someday you'll find your better half to share your life with you.

    To you Dato Sam-gangster, thank you for being my Best Friend since 1995.

Pissed off.

Yes, I am outrageously pissed off.
Pissed off at myself.
Pissed off at my incapability.
Pissed off at my attitude.
Pissed off to the fact that I have nothing to stand up and say it is mine.
Pissed off that I am just an ordinary guy with desires and dreams that seem vague at times.
Pissed off that I can never sit be secure of myself.
Pissed off at the thought that I do not have any rights over the one I love.
Pissed off that I may end up loosing with a bitch slap on my face.
Pissed off at the world for crushing my will to my knees at times.
Pissed off to the fact that no matter how much I want to take harsh approaches in a positive manner, I may never be able to because of things that happen.
Pissed off because despite all this forsaken bullshit that is happening, when I look at my right hand, I stare at the bracelet given to me by Her, speaks "HOPE".

I want to take the sword off the ground and thrust it deep into the core of this world and say "FUCK YOU" and held my head high up and yell my victory over all the odds.

I do not even know how to further type anymore.

This night.

     This night, it seems empty. I'm walking watching my shadow wrestling with itself. I wish I could pull it close to me and for once, perhaps, restore every faith that is possibly slipping away. At every hit of the ray of the scorching sun, eating up my skin from the surface, bringing me down to my knees and each time I silently cry out for help, my shadow appears by my side, reflecting the strength I have.

     Watching my reflection struggling with itself without me having the capacity to help it through clearly defines how handicapped I am or feel. The only thing I wish or hope for right now, is to grab my shadows out of its struggle and attaching it to the clearly defined space between us. I have nothing but to offer hope.

     All that my physical strength has is to offer a rather small-framed shoulder to lean on and hope. Hope. I wish this night, that ray of light that detaches my shadow away from me would be brought to an end.

You, beautiful.

Dear Girlfriend,

    Just so you know, to me you are beautiful. Absolutely perfect to my eyes. Yes, its very cliche but I'm not ashamed one single bit about it. You're perfect to my eyes and I adore you so much every single time.

    Thank you very much for being part of my life and I assure you, I'm never ever going to give up on us and you.

Its a short one, just me wanting to say that you're my beautiful girl and I love you very very much.

Yes, You..

Yes, you, these lines are quoted from your fave series. I could never beat that at all but I can promise you, I'll make it happen for us. We'll make it happen. I love you and it is so much more than you could ever imagine.

And yes, that line sounds so much like what you would tell me. Thank you for making me smile wide like a fool. *grins*