Some time...

It has been a long time since I last posted, I have had alot but I just have not found the moment to to type it out. Yea, lazy is definitely one of it, in fact it is the only thing. Hahahahahaha....I will post up soon, soon, very soon, another emo stuff probably. Till then, adios!!! bluekkk!!!

You don't know me...

     Your sarcasm is never going to affect me. Let me be very clear in this, no matter how harsh or how silent you are going to treat me, it's never gonna hurt me anymore. I have gone through so much and enough of heartaches that your sour face and rude/ignorant answers towards me is never going to affect anymore. You have done much for me, so much that I owe my lifetime to you but there is only that much you know about me.
     I have my reasons for being rude or sarcastic. Treating me like a piece of thrash is never going to get you any closer to understanding why I behave such a way. Tormenting and despaired moments of my life, I walked through it all by myself. I faced those harsh words threw at me when all i was, was a innocent boy. I faced cruel criticism over something that i could never be blamed for. I got framed, accused and blamed for something I was not aware off. The result? I faced punishment. I kept it all to myself. I treated it all with a smile.
     You do not know those times I cuddled around and cried silently, you will never know because it is never my intention to share it. I choose not to only because you crossed my trust in more than a occassion. Certain incidents that you have caused did not affect you in any manner but it destroyed me completely. I never voiced out neither did I make an issue, I always have told myself  to leave it aside.
      Cliched dialogue, "I know you too well....", well I got news, you do not. Anger neither frustration is related to it though. It is not your responsibility to be clear of what I feel deep inside. Ignoring me because you are dissatisfied with my tone of speech or the way I speak in frustration is one thing you ought to learn to accept. Pardon me, but I was never treated well in my mistakes and I recall numerous times being thrown words at by you. Some so hurtful it changed me for good.

       What am I? A stress ball? Or dustbin? I am just a guy, a guy that is more than what your eye meets. Next time do not listen to my words, try looking into my eye, perhaps you might find your answer that you always have questioned me "why do you talk like that?"....if you really know me that well, you'll know why...

sarcasm...

     This seething urge I have to post something so sarcastic keeps battling within me. Not a slightest bit of me has any remorse though, but I just don't wish to do it at this moment. The raw nature of me has always been sarcasm. I live in the excitement of sarcasm, the very notion that crushes people, the right choice of wrong words when put together has the ultimate power of crushing one man's resolve and destroying their hopes, dreams and desires. The sight of their resolve slowly dying clearly reflects in their pupils and yes, it satisfies my evil human nature because I know I have shut off, of what has hurt or ignited my inner flames.
      I may sound like a wild beast with no sense of emotion but sarcasm is not an act with no emotion. An emotion of pure selfishness, anger and frustration. At this very moment, I have something very particular in my mind and I keep surpressing so that I do not end up destroying another weak being. I'll learn self-control and for now, choose to accept and digest of what has been spewed at me. It will not last this way forever because at some point I will loose it or choose to loose it and every word that I throw will show no mercy.

      Every word will find its way to your head, de-motivate you and annihilate your palace of emotions; your heart. Yes, I for one believe in the power words have as I am a victim of it. My words will reap your soul clean only if you choose not to be careful with yours towards me.

Phone call...

My junior rang me up today, about 12.30am, I could hear his voice breaking away, shattering, he sounded like a broken heart and I could sense him gathering all his strength saying those words, "Can talk ah bro? I really need to talk, I look at you as my bro, that is why i called to share with you...". I sensed something bad took place so I told him to hang in there and I shot off to his house. "Mamak" stall was the best that struck my mind and so we headed down to the nearest stall and ordered "teh" ice.
     He started sharing with me what happened. His was heartbroken. It was his first and being someone who went through a heart-breaking moment, I could completely comprehend how his state of emotions were at that point of time. He trusted the girl. He opened up his heart to her only after her confessing that she loved him. Two months later, she told him she's seeing someone else and that he should get over her. I could see from his expressions and his voice, it was not just filled with anger and frustration, it was filled with hopelessness, self-rejection and unloved.
      Expressing himself whilst having his "teh" ice and crafting nothing but a smile on his face throughout made me wonder what really was running up his little mind, and just as our conversation was going on, a few of my old buddies were there. They joined us and him being the youngest, having us elder ones really did cheer him up. Advice coupled with some jokes, I could see he really begin to cheer up. 2am struck and it was getting late for both of us, so i dropped him back and assured him that I'd always be there for him as a brother.
       This kid rekindled a lot of things within me. As i drove back home, I began to think back of everything that happened about three years ago. I felt it travelling through all my sensories; the pain, the excitement, the sense of belonging and the tears. I realised I lost touch with a certain emotions. I recalled what was it like to be loved and what was it like toknow that you belong to someone who treasures you with their life. To know that no matter how clumsy and bad you look, you have some one saying you mean everything in the world to them. To have everything destroyed and crushed to nothing but millions of unheard screaming of your little heart, when that only person looks right into your eyes and say "I don't love you anymore....".
        Momentarily, I felt like a guy with an arrow plunged right through my chest and stuck to a wall, with heads down. It really made me wonder if the magic I had three years ago could possibly happen again. Friends more than often ask me to move on, find a closure, stop going back but the brutal truth is, the magic is not quite happening. It is not like I don't want this pain to end. It is just not happening yet. The most beautiful chapter of my life has yet to find it's closure because something much more beautiful than it has yet to happen. Each time the memories rekindle, the sutures tear away and the wound bleeds fresh.
        It never fails to bring the sweetest moments, her sweet face and smile, and tears. It is pain at its purest form. As of now, I choose to hold on to what was the most beautiful moments of my life and yes, in temporary delusion, I clutch my hands in the air hoping that the tip of my fingers still recalls the touch.

:)

after a long time...

wooow!!! awfully long time!!! actually i have alot to blog but then i guess not at this time, sort off sleepy so yeah.. I wanna go get a good nap!! fuyooooh!! not bad at all my update!!

LOL!! I'm just being plain stupid!! Anyways will update it real soon!!! Real real soon!! Promise!! I lost count how many times i promised Fred this, everytime that poor soul asks "hey bro you update your blog not...?" and I'd confidently go, "tonight I confirm will update bro...promise!!!". LOL!!!

For you Fred!!! I will update tomorrow I promise!!! XD...

Fred and myself XD..

gahh....

Haizz....such crap man life has at times :-(. Frankly I don't think I have the strength to even describe what happened vividly.... Its just so messed up. I wonder why at times it has to be me but, again coming to think of it there are more people much more messed up than I am, so yea I just shove it up my head and move on :-).

I went to KL the day before, about 1.30 am. I just felt a sudden sense of loneliness and i really don't know why on earth I chose the heart of Malaysia to go for a ride. Either way i just shot of to KL and yes, the very minute i reached KL, my emotions had a complete 180 degree change....I really wish i had a proper reason for it but this is one of the times where you just can't comprehend why you feel that way. The lights of KL made me ponder alot....it made me somehow dive inside myself and it really stirred alot of emotions. It made me feel very very lonely.

It made me feel that I really have nobody but myself. It was just me alone against this monstrous concrete jungle I'd say. Honestly, what did I do wrong? I did nothing. I was just lonely...but why is it I have to think sooooo much?? I hate it...I loathe it! But then again, I missed it all.....I remember how I insecure I used to be and the lights of KL brought me down that lane again... I just stared at the city and thought to myself that this ride would have been the sweetest thing if I had someone that I could love whole-heartedly.

Picture this....you and the girl you love\adore the most in the world, you both having a ride down KL streets at night, sharing stories, exchanging opinions and cracking jokes laughing to your hearts content, and you look into her eye....she's the sweetest thing you'd ever possibly imagine :-). The lights of KLCC really blew me off into my imaginary world. At KLCC, you and her, snapping pictures, turning on a music, dancing with grace.....under the starry night. It sends a message to the world, "both of us are imperfect but our love isn't. She is everything in the world to me.." Trust me that rush is beyond what a dose of adrenaline could possibly give :-).

I really hope someday I'd be fortunate to make it happen....till then I guess the lights of KL in the dark nights would be my greatest company of my imagination. :-)....

....:-)....

I don't know why....I am here out for breakfast and I know this loneliness is setting into me. :-).... Its been quite awhile since I've had the capability to feel this sort off loneliness. I try denying the fact of it but yeah it is something I really cant. :-).... I guess everyone will feel the lost and loneliness if the sun is setting on the other side of their world. Mine isnt any different....I suppose I'm gonna miss the warmth and comfort the sun has brought for a short period of time. :-)....I'm gonna miss it alot....:-)