I wonder...

I wonder, almost every time, where do I stand in life? What value I have in the lives of those around me? It's like those days again, no, I correct myself. It has always been that way. I always am a loner. Always. More than often I go unheard, not of my opinions or such but rather, what the inside of me really feels. I know I sound pathetic and stuff, but really. I more than often end up dining alone. I'm almost close to not having any friends or, maybe I do but unlike them, I just don't have a life at all. Some go abroad to feel the pinch, some loose things to feel it, me? I just have to be myself. Christmas is around the corner and... well, it's just Christmas.

I'm loud, noisy, cracking jokes all the time and I do my best to cheer people up but the cliche truth about all this is, I desperate need someone to look into my soul and tell me, I'm not alone. I go to the stupidest extent for people around me only because I don't want them being anywhere close to where I am but I also do it because I feel, completely, out-of-place. I feel like a shadow. I feel expendable.

I wish I was a happier person inside than being such a hollow individual. Hollow-fied.

Nothing.

Liar,
Unreliable,
Show off,
Brag pot,
Betrayer of trust,
Rude,
Arrogant,
Zero,
Snappy,
Upsetting,
Irresponsible,
Incapable of setting priorities,
Financial liability,
Clingy,
Possessive,
Ignorant to my self-conscious,
Cashless,
Angry,
Attitude problem,

and, Nothing. I am nothing. The truth is I really am nothing. I am very well aware of it. Strip me off everything I got and I am confident enough to say, I cannot give an answer like Iron Man.

Datuk Sam

     To the guy that has been my best friend since my childhood. The silent guy I have always known. I grew up with him and I was more fond of his silence than his ridiculously chatty mouth. It took years before I actually I begun to realize that, in fact, he has so much more bottled up inside than I thought I knew. His name, to me, Dato Sam a.k.a Jeevan s/o Kumberasamy.

     He hides his pain behind his silly actions. He cares without any in expectation. Extremely playful, yet, knows his responsibilities and carries them out without any complains. An individual that is so much more stronger than he thinks he is. He never loses composure no matter how tough life gets. He stands up and fights it like a real warrior and till now, despite being tired of everything, I still see him as a man that still fights. You, my friend, you are a warrior. You may not believe me but I have respect for you and I have always been fascinated at how you handle all those rubbish life had thrown against you. Placing myself in your shoe, I would never emerge a winner like you.

     Rejected numerous times and having people around you taking advantage over you, you still believe to choose to believe in humanity and stick to the value of being true friend. That shows the difference in life's ladder you have in comparison to all those morons. You take the weight of your family upon your shoulders and you never show it to the world. People may take you for granted but I can tell you this, God, is all knowing and He sees all your deed. All your pain, rejection and walk of shame will be turned around to make you one of the best individual the world has ever seen.

      Thank you for being my best friend and for constantly looking out for me. Thank you for all the times you forked out your cash and spending me for my medical bills, food, entertainment and even my other half. We both are truthfully grateful to have known you and to have you as a friend. I may not be able to give you anything in form of material but I can give you one thing. My prayers. I pray that you will succeed against all odds and someday you'll find your better half to share your life with you.

    To you Dato Sam-gangster, thank you for being my Best Friend since 1995.

Pissed off.

Yes, I am outrageously pissed off.
Pissed off at myself.
Pissed off at my incapability.
Pissed off at my attitude.
Pissed off to the fact that I have nothing to stand up and say it is mine.
Pissed off that I am just an ordinary guy with desires and dreams that seem vague at times.
Pissed off that I can never sit be secure of myself.
Pissed off at the thought that I do not have any rights over the one I love.
Pissed off that I may end up loosing with a bitch slap on my face.
Pissed off at the world for crushing my will to my knees at times.
Pissed off to the fact that no matter how much I want to take harsh approaches in a positive manner, I may never be able to because of things that happen.
Pissed off because despite all this forsaken bullshit that is happening, when I look at my right hand, I stare at the bracelet given to me by Her, speaks "HOPE".

I want to take the sword off the ground and thrust it deep into the core of this world and say "FUCK YOU" and held my head high up and yell my victory over all the odds.

I do not even know how to further type anymore.

This night.

     This night, it seems empty. I'm walking watching my shadow wrestling with itself. I wish I could pull it close to me and for once, perhaps, restore every faith that is possibly slipping away. At every hit of the ray of the scorching sun, eating up my skin from the surface, bringing me down to my knees and each time I silently cry out for help, my shadow appears by my side, reflecting the strength I have.

     Watching my reflection struggling with itself without me having the capacity to help it through clearly defines how handicapped I am or feel. The only thing I wish or hope for right now, is to grab my shadows out of its struggle and attaching it to the clearly defined space between us. I have nothing but to offer hope.

     All that my physical strength has is to offer a rather small-framed shoulder to lean on and hope. Hope. I wish this night, that ray of light that detaches my shadow away from me would be brought to an end.

You, beautiful.

Dear Girlfriend,

    Just so you know, to me you are beautiful. Absolutely perfect to my eyes. Yes, its very cliche but I'm not ashamed one single bit about it. You're perfect to my eyes and I adore you so much every single time.

    Thank you very much for being part of my life and I assure you, I'm never ever going to give up on us and you.

Its a short one, just me wanting to say that you're my beautiful girl and I love you very very much.

Yes, You..

Yes, you, these lines are quoted from your fave series. I could never beat that at all but I can promise you, I'll make it happen for us. We'll make it happen. I love you and it is so much more than you could ever imagine.

And yes, that line sounds so much like what you would tell me. Thank you for making me smile wide like a fool. *grins*

I promise you...

I wish I could do something for you right now to cheer you up. I would do anything to cheer you up. At this moment, there really isn't much I could do and it really breaks me knowing that you're broken.

   All I have for you, is my promise that everything is going to get better for you. It will. The faith you have will not go to waste and I promise you that God is watching over you. You just haven't got your ladder and when you do, you're going to be at the top of the world with your heads held up high.

   I'll be there by your side, all the way till the end. I'm sorry, it's the best I could do for you right now. I love you. More than you could imagine. :))


p/s: cactus, optimus prime, bumblebee and monkey man loves you a lot too :D

you..

Dear You,

I'm sitting in Starbucks and all I have is you running in my thoughts. I miss you, so much, so freaking much =(.. I miss you a lot Petite :((. <3

Perhaps?

    Another short one. Things happened. Tides changed. I sit in front my laptop, having flashes of thoughts running through my head, flashes of emotions flooding my heart and it made me realize how much time has changed.
     I might be a little late in certain things but I feel there is a shot at it. I know I possibly am going in for disappointment, but isn't that how everything is? I probably held so much of it within me, that it took me time to realize it oozing out.
    All I could hope for is God to be yet again by my side, cause it has always been Him that carried me through every agony and sorrow. He has always been faithful and just towards me. It is only that solitary reason that allows me to laugh in front of everyone despite of all the sorrows I hide within me.
    Running out of words right now. Perhaps, things are just meant to be the way they are now. I seek for one shot. That one step. All I have constantly chased for throughout my life. I have everything it needs to make a difference. One chance and perhaps I could make it worthwhile.

I really really MISS YOU!!

A short post. Nothing too deep and its just something on the very surface, yet with a powerful impact on me. I am sincerely and truly missing my best friend, Miss Thahranya. Thahra if you're reading this, just so you know, you're being missed and cherished deeply by me. :'(..

bloody hell!!

BLOODY HELL!!! HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?!! DAMN!!! I have been soooo freaking busy - NO!! Bullshit! I just went way too lazy to blog anything, not that I had nothing in mind but I just took no interest in posting it. Same stuffs over and over again. Why bother then ey?

Well then, this should be something for now I believe. Perhaps by tomorrow I would post up something, hopefully, I will see how.

Till then, goodnight to the heavens above, hell below and the lost world I live in. :)

The tides never stops.

     You know how the waves slam the surface of the beach, it never ends, a cycle that goes on till forever. At a certain angle of the eye, it probably is one of the most beautiful sight ever but on an opposite angle it could only mean otherwise. Sounds ridiculous much? Probably it does but not to my eye. The emotion is beyond sick, it has reach the point of hurtful. All I feel isn't temper or frustration. It pricks each time. Each time the tide slams my comfortable and cozy life, it hurts, it finds the right moment and unleashes its brutality on it leaving viewers a pleasant sight of life. Time to time it never fails to implant the thought of "that really is who you are, just another individual made to be laughed at".
      Frankly, what wrong have I done to face all this? I'm not talking as if I'm the only one in this world to have face all this, I'm very well aware of the worst things that may have happened to different individuals but it really makes me ponder a lot. Growing up listening to words like "ugly", "weird" and whatnot creates arrogance and cockiness in an individual or at least that is the effect on me. Its not like I do not realize where my physical appearance stand but do I really need constant reminders? Every time I brush it off, it appears nothing more like a short time snooze. There is only so much a heart, size of a fist could absorb, only so much the tears could well up around the edges of the eye, beyond that, one becomes nothing but an emotionless being. May be it all has its purpose, I wouldn't know but I really do hope I have what it takes to continue fending off these ugly tides in my life. All that I wish for, someone that realizes that behind this ugly persona, lies a character that perhaps, just perhaps isn't half bad.

       Till then, for all the hurt that is to come and that has come, I guess I'll just have to face it.

Again...

     Again, I'm feeling it all over again. Honestly, it's just a seed planted. I'm not sure on what soil I've seeded on but I'm enjoying every minute of it.I had fun, I honestly had a lot of fun talking and laughing  and taking short glances at how your eye keep running around trying to hide in what you were probably feeling. An hour was nothing but a breeze and how much time was condemned in my heart, only time would know. At this point, all I want is to know you and become a small part of your life, create a small little memory and sleep to the blissful thoughts. Our acquaintance was not a pleasant one, all that gripped me was guilt for throwing such rudeness and temper at you, all to realize how you smiled it off sweetly with much fear in your eye. Yes, you sweet little miss, I noticed fear and confusion in your eye. Admirable and somehow that incident stole a little piece of me. :)), you are just another girl in this cruel,rude spinning world and that makes me turn my head around looking for you every single time I step out that huge glass door. Sweet, cheeky and simple in your own ways. Pretty little miss, just so you know, you are much adored by this guy. :))

whaddup!!

     Whaddup!! Street much? Lolz! I have pretty much always been the street style dude with a touch of class. Vain much? Possibly, but I like it. ;-). Things have been under the better light lately minus the heck load of assignments given with excruciatingly short deadlines. Yes, I somehow have a perception that my lecturers choose to show their superiority and their extensive knowledge through their assignments. Don't understand me? I'll break it to a simpler language. See, its a short semester. We have approximately about 8 weeks? You expect us to complete a research paper. Fair enough, it is part of the program, no argument on that but do you have to expect day-to-day deadlines? If that isn't enough, you expect degree level perfection and to top off the creamy sauce, you slam us outright with no mercy on our assignments. See, I totally get the fact that it is your job to educate us but do not mix it with your current experience.
      We all are aware your doing your degree but we are after all diploma students and we are yet at the level to hit your par. Quotes such as, "izit my problem?" or "u felers noe how much work i hafta do anot??" is not in any form helpful to us. It only shows your arrogance and your misuse of power. 8 weeks. That's fairly a lot of time for a little loose bolts. Instead you choose to be so uptight and press us to our max, resulting in some of us, in this case it would be me to start cutting classes and whatnot. You think your attitude prevails? You try ringing me up when I'm not at college? What exactly plays behind your mind when you rung me up? That I would answer, freak out and run to college? I am a grown 21 year old adult. Yes, immature I may be but adult I am. Frankly, I do not really care what you might say or do cause it is beyond your payroll. Oh, by the way, your green notes are forked out of my parents pockets.
      A lecturer is supposed to be a role model, a guide, a reputable figure among his/her students and I, unfortunately do not perceive you as any of the above. All I have is, to a certain extent annoyance and dislike. You make fun of my hair in front of the whole class. Now, I'm pretty much sure you're not paid for that aren't you? You think you look any better? If assignments are not enough, your criticism towards me is some sort like an extra bonus I did not sign up for. I thought those sort off bullshit ends at high school, never knew it goes on even at tertiary level education. Guffawing it all is just my way of keeping the respect towards your profession but someday when I loose it and mark my words, it will, you'll regret even picking on me.
      If the lecturer is demotivating enough, a certain comments by some classmates aren't any good. All I hear from them is an extra force that wants me to do things against my own will. It's not like that  can't see it is for my good but what I'm really looking for is,someone who steps up for me and says, "go do it man, even if it sucks i'll still rawk it out with you!!". I guess you just don't get everything sometimes.
       Well, if it is discouraging at college, at least out-of-college life seems to have hope and much encouragement. It really is too soon to actually blog about it but I will do it with much details soon. Let's just say, you pretty little miss, I'm adoring you totally. :))

Seeping in.

     It has been a long time, a very long time since I have gone to college. 8th of February. The fateful day, I had to dive in to save a shot and fall forward with my palm facing downwards. The force traveled directly to my elbow joints cracking the bone and destroying all its surrounding tissues, tearing surrounding muscles and ligament. I nearly loose that fraction of my bone, credits to an irresponsible orthopedist from Arunamari Klang by the name of John Benjamin. Puzzles my mind though on how low one man could go just to earn a few extra hundreds. I owe all my life to Dato Dr. Vimalanathan from Sime Darby Medical Centre, (SDMC), for it is him that diagnosed exactly what I needed and thanks to him, I did not have to undergo any form of surgery. He performed his duty like a true professional and saved not just my hand but my life. Thank you very much, deep down from my heart I pray that you and your family will be blessed abundantly. :).
      This fated incident however, brought me a lot of realization. It made me realize how unhappy I really was. Yes, I constantly went late to college. I was not happy stepping into any of the classes. I felt empty and insignificant. Things got worse when a certain individual threw tantrum at me and I do not blame them for doing so because the timetable was such we all felt the stress. I deferred my semester as I was unable to write and being a right-hander, not much of an option was left. It took two complete months to recover and much have happened. In the beginning it seemed like a blessing in disguise, but as time faded loneliness begin to set in.
      I spend a lot of time going out and hanging out but by the time I am home, sitting in front my laptop, a slight twitch from within. Left and right my head turns and with a heavy heap of "sigh" it sets in. The loneliness. Somehow in it I find my solace. It chokes the neck and the tears well up but I would not give in. I do wish sincerely that I never felt this loneliness but it definitely is not something new in my dictionary. I guess in these hours, I ought to feel such way. The only person in the world that could possibly feel and understand me is my partner ji Thahranya. :), but that sweetheart is asleep, haare ji, mera boht boht miss u ji....:)). It seeps in this broken and trampled heart. It makes the sutures tear apart. It feeds on my memories. It is just another part of my emotions that I sense deeply. My loneliness.

Some time...

It has been a long time since I last posted, I have had alot but I just have not found the moment to to type it out. Yea, lazy is definitely one of it, in fact it is the only thing. Hahahahahaha....I will post up soon, soon, very soon, another emo stuff probably. Till then, adios!!! bluekkk!!!

You don't know me...

     Your sarcasm is never going to affect me. Let me be very clear in this, no matter how harsh or how silent you are going to treat me, it's never gonna hurt me anymore. I have gone through so much and enough of heartaches that your sour face and rude/ignorant answers towards me is never going to affect anymore. You have done much for me, so much that I owe my lifetime to you but there is only that much you know about me.
     I have my reasons for being rude or sarcastic. Treating me like a piece of thrash is never going to get you any closer to understanding why I behave such a way. Tormenting and despaired moments of my life, I walked through it all by myself. I faced those harsh words threw at me when all i was, was a innocent boy. I faced cruel criticism over something that i could never be blamed for. I got framed, accused and blamed for something I was not aware off. The result? I faced punishment. I kept it all to myself. I treated it all with a smile.
     You do not know those times I cuddled around and cried silently, you will never know because it is never my intention to share it. I choose not to only because you crossed my trust in more than a occassion. Certain incidents that you have caused did not affect you in any manner but it destroyed me completely. I never voiced out neither did I make an issue, I always have told myself  to leave it aside.
      Cliched dialogue, "I know you too well....", well I got news, you do not. Anger neither frustration is related to it though. It is not your responsibility to be clear of what I feel deep inside. Ignoring me because you are dissatisfied with my tone of speech or the way I speak in frustration is one thing you ought to learn to accept. Pardon me, but I was never treated well in my mistakes and I recall numerous times being thrown words at by you. Some so hurtful it changed me for good.

       What am I? A stress ball? Or dustbin? I am just a guy, a guy that is more than what your eye meets. Next time do not listen to my words, try looking into my eye, perhaps you might find your answer that you always have questioned me "why do you talk like that?"....if you really know me that well, you'll know why...

sarcasm...

     This seething urge I have to post something so sarcastic keeps battling within me. Not a slightest bit of me has any remorse though, but I just don't wish to do it at this moment. The raw nature of me has always been sarcasm. I live in the excitement of sarcasm, the very notion that crushes people, the right choice of wrong words when put together has the ultimate power of crushing one man's resolve and destroying their hopes, dreams and desires. The sight of their resolve slowly dying clearly reflects in their pupils and yes, it satisfies my evil human nature because I know I have shut off, of what has hurt or ignited my inner flames.
      I may sound like a wild beast with no sense of emotion but sarcasm is not an act with no emotion. An emotion of pure selfishness, anger and frustration. At this very moment, I have something very particular in my mind and I keep surpressing so that I do not end up destroying another weak being. I'll learn self-control and for now, choose to accept and digest of what has been spewed at me. It will not last this way forever because at some point I will loose it or choose to loose it and every word that I throw will show no mercy.

      Every word will find its way to your head, de-motivate you and annihilate your palace of emotions; your heart. Yes, I for one believe in the power words have as I am a victim of it. My words will reap your soul clean only if you choose not to be careful with yours towards me.

Phone call...

My junior rang me up today, about 12.30am, I could hear his voice breaking away, shattering, he sounded like a broken heart and I could sense him gathering all his strength saying those words, "Can talk ah bro? I really need to talk, I look at you as my bro, that is why i called to share with you...". I sensed something bad took place so I told him to hang in there and I shot off to his house. "Mamak" stall was the best that struck my mind and so we headed down to the nearest stall and ordered "teh" ice.
     He started sharing with me what happened. His was heartbroken. It was his first and being someone who went through a heart-breaking moment, I could completely comprehend how his state of emotions were at that point of time. He trusted the girl. He opened up his heart to her only after her confessing that she loved him. Two months later, she told him she's seeing someone else and that he should get over her. I could see from his expressions and his voice, it was not just filled with anger and frustration, it was filled with hopelessness, self-rejection and unloved.
      Expressing himself whilst having his "teh" ice and crafting nothing but a smile on his face throughout made me wonder what really was running up his little mind, and just as our conversation was going on, a few of my old buddies were there. They joined us and him being the youngest, having us elder ones really did cheer him up. Advice coupled with some jokes, I could see he really begin to cheer up. 2am struck and it was getting late for both of us, so i dropped him back and assured him that I'd always be there for him as a brother.
       This kid rekindled a lot of things within me. As i drove back home, I began to think back of everything that happened about three years ago. I felt it travelling through all my sensories; the pain, the excitement, the sense of belonging and the tears. I realised I lost touch with a certain emotions. I recalled what was it like to be loved and what was it like toknow that you belong to someone who treasures you with their life. To know that no matter how clumsy and bad you look, you have some one saying you mean everything in the world to them. To have everything destroyed and crushed to nothing but millions of unheard screaming of your little heart, when that only person looks right into your eyes and say "I don't love you anymore....".
        Momentarily, I felt like a guy with an arrow plunged right through my chest and stuck to a wall, with heads down. It really made me wonder if the magic I had three years ago could possibly happen again. Friends more than often ask me to move on, find a closure, stop going back but the brutal truth is, the magic is not quite happening. It is not like I don't want this pain to end. It is just not happening yet. The most beautiful chapter of my life has yet to find it's closure because something much more beautiful than it has yet to happen. Each time the memories rekindle, the sutures tear away and the wound bleeds fresh.
        It never fails to bring the sweetest moments, her sweet face and smile, and tears. It is pain at its purest form. As of now, I choose to hold on to what was the most beautiful moments of my life and yes, in temporary delusion, I clutch my hands in the air hoping that the tip of my fingers still recalls the touch.

:)