sarcasm...

     This seething urge I have to post something so sarcastic keeps battling within me. Not a slightest bit of me has any remorse though, but I just don't wish to do it at this moment. The raw nature of me has always been sarcasm. I live in the excitement of sarcasm, the very notion that crushes people, the right choice of wrong words when put together has the ultimate power of crushing one man's resolve and destroying their hopes, dreams and desires. The sight of their resolve slowly dying clearly reflects in their pupils and yes, it satisfies my evil human nature because I know I have shut off, of what has hurt or ignited my inner flames.
      I may sound like a wild beast with no sense of emotion but sarcasm is not an act with no emotion. An emotion of pure selfishness, anger and frustration. At this very moment, I have something very particular in my mind and I keep surpressing so that I do not end up destroying another weak being. I'll learn self-control and for now, choose to accept and digest of what has been spewed at me. It will not last this way forever because at some point I will loose it or choose to loose it and every word that I throw will show no mercy.

      Every word will find its way to your head, de-motivate you and annihilate your palace of emotions; your heart. Yes, I for one believe in the power words have as I am a victim of it. My words will reap your soul clean only if you choose not to be careful with yours towards me.

Phone call...

My junior rang me up today, about 12.30am, I could hear his voice breaking away, shattering, he sounded like a broken heart and I could sense him gathering all his strength saying those words, "Can talk ah bro? I really need to talk, I look at you as my bro, that is why i called to share with you...". I sensed something bad took place so I told him to hang in there and I shot off to his house. "Mamak" stall was the best that struck my mind and so we headed down to the nearest stall and ordered "teh" ice.
     He started sharing with me what happened. His was heartbroken. It was his first and being someone who went through a heart-breaking moment, I could completely comprehend how his state of emotions were at that point of time. He trusted the girl. He opened up his heart to her only after her confessing that she loved him. Two months later, she told him she's seeing someone else and that he should get over her. I could see from his expressions and his voice, it was not just filled with anger and frustration, it was filled with hopelessness, self-rejection and unloved.
      Expressing himself whilst having his "teh" ice and crafting nothing but a smile on his face throughout made me wonder what really was running up his little mind, and just as our conversation was going on, a few of my old buddies were there. They joined us and him being the youngest, having us elder ones really did cheer him up. Advice coupled with some jokes, I could see he really begin to cheer up. 2am struck and it was getting late for both of us, so i dropped him back and assured him that I'd always be there for him as a brother.
       This kid rekindled a lot of things within me. As i drove back home, I began to think back of everything that happened about three years ago. I felt it travelling through all my sensories; the pain, the excitement, the sense of belonging and the tears. I realised I lost touch with a certain emotions. I recalled what was it like to be loved and what was it like toknow that you belong to someone who treasures you with their life. To know that no matter how clumsy and bad you look, you have some one saying you mean everything in the world to them. To have everything destroyed and crushed to nothing but millions of unheard screaming of your little heart, when that only person looks right into your eyes and say "I don't love you anymore....".
        Momentarily, I felt like a guy with an arrow plunged right through my chest and stuck to a wall, with heads down. It really made me wonder if the magic I had three years ago could possibly happen again. Friends more than often ask me to move on, find a closure, stop going back but the brutal truth is, the magic is not quite happening. It is not like I don't want this pain to end. It is just not happening yet. The most beautiful chapter of my life has yet to find it's closure because something much more beautiful than it has yet to happen. Each time the memories rekindle, the sutures tear away and the wound bleeds fresh.
        It never fails to bring the sweetest moments, her sweet face and smile, and tears. It is pain at its purest form. As of now, I choose to hold on to what was the most beautiful moments of my life and yes, in temporary delusion, I clutch my hands in the air hoping that the tip of my fingers still recalls the touch.

:)